‘Game of Thrones’ Scorecard: Season 7, Episode 4, ‘The Spoils of War’

This Game of Thrones discussion is written by someone who has read George R.R. Martin’s books (as well as the occasional fan theory on message boards), but the column will usually only discuss events that have happened on HBO’s televised version. Please respect these boundaries should you choose to participate in the comments section.

Episode 7.04: ‘The Spoils of War’

FINAL SCORE: Violence 85, Sex 0

(Scoring is typically one point per killing or instance of nudity, though the reviewer reserves the right to award bonus points for style. This is SUPER not Sex’s season.)

Violence

responding to the commenters

Aside from a wildly fun and ultimately harmless sparring session between Brienne and Arya, the entirety of this episode’s violence came during an epic 11-minute battle between the Lannister army and a Dothraki horde supported by Daenerys riding a fire-breathing dragon, resulting in 35 deaths by human hand (or horse), plus an additional 50 deaths by dragonfire (more on this in the Notes section). I also awarded awarded five bonus points: one per instance of violence to a horse, and one for Brienne & Arya’s swashbuckling.

Totals: (deep inhale) 6 Lannisters trampled by horses; 2 Dothrakis speared; 7 Lannister throat geysers; 4 men killed by arrows; 4 men killed by Jaime and Bronn each; 7 additional killings by sword or arakh (that’s the Dothraki scythe-like weapon); one Dothraki impaled by giant crossbow (1 Bronn’s 4 kills); 1 guy run over by a horse while he was on fire. BONUS VIOLENCE TO HORSES: 1 horse stabbed, 1 horse’s leg scythed off, 2 horses charred by Drogon’s spicy breath.

Some of those that wear corsets, are the same that burn horses

Notes: Yes, the 50 deaths by burning seems low. If you’re new to this column, I only count specific, obvious deaths. So while the Lannister army’s supply/gold trains surely resulted in the deaths of anyone inside those wagons, I didn’t have any bodies to count. Even in tight shots, the soldiers whose deaths I wanted to count were often so consumed by flames that there wasn’t much else onscreen. So, it’s 50 because that’s what I could count, with some limited guesswork. It is a round number purely by chance. (For readers who have to endure this caveat every week, I apologize. It’s worth it for me to not argue with drive-by geeks.)

Sex

Totals: [NULL SET]

Notes: Um, Davos said that Jon Snow was looking at Dany’s “heart,” wink wink. Which is a fun bit of innuendo the same way Luke and Leia kissing in Star Wars is sexy. But since we don’t have any OTHER sex to talk about, we may as well cover the bases for any Jon + Dany ‘shippers out there:

  1. Because Jon’s real father is Rhaegar Targaryen (ALLEGEDLY), Daenerys is Jon’s aunt.
  2. Obviously, Jon and Dany don’t know they’re related.
  3. Even if they did, it wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for Dany, as the Targaryens were into incest before Jaime and Cersei made it cool.

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: incest is not cool.

THIS SCORECARD WILL BE UPDATED MONDAY MORNING WITH ADDITIONAL IMAGES, ANALYSIS, AND A DISCUSSION OF MODERN COMBINED-ARMS PRINCIPLES AT WORK ON THE BATTLEFIELDS OF WESTEROS.

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