Trump Promises Government Will Continue To Fund All Essential Mar-A-Lago Staff During Shutdown

WASHINGTON—Saying his administration was fully prepared in the event Congress does not pass a new budget by the end of the week, President Trump promised Monday that all essential Mar-a-Lago staff will continue to be funded during a government shutdown. “Even if Congress can’t get a budget done, the American people can rest assured that all vital cabana and golf course employees will continue to perform their duties uninterrupted,” said Trump, explaining that temporary appropriations bills would exempt crucial waiters, chefs, drivers, and housekeeping staff from any action that will close entire agencies and prevent thousands of federal employees from reporting to work. “Until a new budget gets passed, however, we will have no choice but to put all Mar-a-Lago pool boys and lifeguards on furlough and institute a hiring freeze across all landscaping departments. But while any shutdown can’t help but have some negative impact—the …

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God Pissed After Learning Cost To Replace Earth’s Core

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling aloud as He looked in disbelief at the quote He received from a contractor, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly became pissed Monday after learning how much it would cost to replace the earth’s core. “I knew putting in a new core was going to set me back a little, but jeez, this is just outrageous,” said the irate Creator of All Things, who added that He could tell the guy giving Him the estimate was “trying to screw [Him] over,” noting that He had the atmosphere on Uranus fixed for half the cost two millennia ago even though that planet is “way bigger.” “That guy also said the mantle is in pretty bad shape and that I should get that replaced too while I’m at it, and then he said I’d have to put in all new volcanoes that are compatible with …

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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish. “Man, he must really get off on that,” said 29-year-old warehouse manager Thomas Alden, looking askance as the smiling man walked down the sidewalk making no attempt to conceal the fact that he was gently squeezing the pregnant woman’s fingers. “I mean, if you’re into that, I guess more power to—oh, gross. Now he’s rubbing her belly. He’s just flaunting it now. What a complete fucking freak.” At press time, the woman had been asked when she was due by a kind elderly passerby who observers presumed was part of the same bizarre kink community.

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