The Dark Web Sucks Now That My Mom Is On It

Years ago, when I first installed Tor and discovered the dark web, it was really cool. Here was a place on the internet where I could say whatever I wanted to say, do whatever I wanted to do—I could really be myself, you know? And then my 56-year-old mother decided to join. So yeah, that pretty much seals it. The dark web officially sucks now.

That’s too bad. It used to be fun going on there to anonymously purchase high-grade drugs, stolen credit card numbers, and industrial hacking tools. Not anymore. Now my mom is on the dark web doing the exact same things as me. Just this morning she was browsing TradeRoute for the best deals on MDMA, no doubt while sitting at our family’s desktop computer and sipping her first cup of coffee. She even messaged my friend MalPwned and chatted with him about Bulgarian …

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Local Dipshit Planning On Fighting Trump Administration Through Art

HUDSON, NY—Saying he felt compelled to personally respond to the actions of a president he views as vicious and corrupt, local dipshit Scott Rudnick announced Thursday his intention to fight the Trump administration through his art.

The 42-year-old dumbass, who has reportedly sketched out ideas for more than two dozen artistic projects addressing issues of a highly topical nature, stated that he will stand up to the presidency of Donald Trump by employing a mix of visual and performance-based media, as well as literature and song.

“As an artist, I can’t sit idly by—when you see something like this happening in the world, you have to act,” said the complete moron, whose most recent efforts include a series in which Trump’s likeness is incorporated into Soviet-era propaganda posters and a prose poem condemning the president’s decision to ban transgender individuals from serving in the armed …

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76 Million Baby Boomers Abscond To Fiji After Draining Nation’s Social Security, Medicare Accounts

WOODLAWN, MD—Arriving en masse to the Pacific island nation after fleeing under the cover of night, 76 million baby boomers reportedly escaped to Fiji on Friday after completely draining the nation’s Social Security and Medicare accounts.

Sources said the daring $3.1 trillion operation was discovered early this morning as stunned federal employees checked both programs’ reserves only to find that each now held a total of $0.00, the apparent culmination of a plan that reportedly was meticulously organized and executed over the last 30 years.

“It’s gone, all gone, they completely cleaned us out,” said Social Security director Nancy Berryhill, revealing that airport security cameras had caught every American born between 1946 and 1964, having emptied the U.S. social safety net, boarding red-eye flights to Fiji. “These people were using our nation’s wealth as their personal piggy bank for decades, just waiting for …

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Report: South Korea Developing New Pop Group Capable Of Reaching U.S.

WASHINGTON—Warning that a successful launch would constitute a grave threat to American population centers from coast to coast, leading analysts confirmed Wednesday that South Korea is currently developing a new pop group capable of reaching the United States.

Experts stated that significant South Korean resources have been dedicated to the project of creating an intercontinental, all-girl supergroup, with a team of highly skilled producers, vocal coaches, and choreographers working in hidden rehearsal facilities to devise a strategic pop phenomenon that, if fully deployed, could inflict widespread devastation.

“We’re far more vulnerable than we realize. This country isn’t prepared at all for a full-scale album release.”

“Our analysis indicates this is an extremely powerful synth-driven bubblegum pop quintet—if it were to reach U.S. soil, the effects would be catastrophic for millions,” said Rita Bradley of the Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars, referring to the group …

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My Advice To Anyone Starting A Business Is To Remember That Someday I Will Crush You

As you might imagine, I often get asked by young entrepreneurs for advice on how to start a business. What many seem to want is some sort of trick, some magic set of tools that will allow them to launch a thriving startup from scratch. Well, there’s no magic involved, but the keys to success are quite simple: Value your customers, hire well, find a market that isn’t being served, and realize that someday I will utterly crush you.

That’s really all there is to it. Execute the basics correctly and you’ll be in great shape when I come along and rip away your dreams with one emotionless pen stroke.

In the early days of your startup, you may have to do a little bit of everything: design, accounting, marketing, legal, even cleaning up the office. That takes hard work, perseverance, and—I can’t emphasize …

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NASA Announces Selection Of Two Hot, Ripped Astronauts For Man-On-Man Mission To Mars

HOUSTON—After an exhaustive 18-month evaluation process in which an applicant pool of hundreds was narrowed down to the two very buffest candidates, NASA announced Friday that it had chosen a pair of hot, ripped astronauts to take part in the first-ever man-on-man mission to Mars.

Shirtless and oiled-up for their appearance before the press, former Air Force captain Stephen Dunhill and Malibu, CA lifeguard Blake Brawner were introduced by officials who said the two tanned studs had completed an Astronaut Corps training program that pushed them to their mental, physical, and carnal limits. NASA confirmed that the two mouthwatering male specimens possessed both the courage and the raw, insatiable lust needed to complete the landmark mission.

“For centuries, humanity has gazed up at the bright red planet in the night sky and dreamed of putting a man on a man on Mars,” said NASA acting administrator Robert Lightfoot Jr …

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