Report: Morbid Curiosity Now Accounts For 79% Of Nation’s Snack Food Purchases

ST. PAUL, MN—Identifying a clear preference for novelty above all other qualities, a report from the University of Minnesota released Friday found that morbid curiosity now accounts for 79 percent of the nation’s snack food purchases. “Whether they’re trying to figure out if a jelly bean really tastes like popcorn or what the deal is with those puffy shrimp chips that apparently are really popular in Asia, we’ve concluded that consumers buy snacks three-quarters of the time purely from an intense desire to determine whether a product corresponds with its purported flavor,” said the report’s author, Carol Souza, adding that almost 20 percent of those purchases alone were prompted by a keen interest in how biscuits-and-gravy was reduced to a potato chip coating. “Many people didn’t even seem to care whether or not the wasabi chocolate or seven-layer-dip Combos were good, only that they …

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Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created. Those close to the couple said the two first met during Deep Blue’s match against Kasparov in 1996, and though the Russian grandmaster beat the computer four games to two, Vovk and Deep Blue struck up a friendship and continued corresponding via email. Sources said the intimate but platonic relationship blossomed into an indelible romance after Kasparov and Vovk’s marriage fell apart in 2005—with Vovk often complaining to friends that the increasingly distant Kasparov was “more of a chess robot than Deep Blue.” Soon thereafter, the couple reportedly shared their first romantic dinner at the same …

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DNC Chair Tracks Down Biden In Everglades Tossing Whole Chickens To Gators

HOMESTEAD, FL—Acting on a tip from a local fisherman who caught the former vice president siphoning gas from his outboard motor, DNC Chairman Tom Perez on Monday reportedly tracked down Joe Biden deep in the Florida Everglades tossing whole raw chickens to alligators.

Sources confirmed that the bearded, shaggy-haired Biden, who withdrew from public life four months ago, was initially startled to see Perez, dropping the bird carcass he was de-feathering and uttering “ah shit” when he recognized the newly elected head of the Democratic Party.

“How the fuck did you guys find me?” said Biden, flicking a lit cigarette into the swamp before wiping his brow with the bottom of his faded Merit cigarettes tank top. “I was really hoping I’d seen my last federale pencil pusher.”

“Ain’t much I can do for you unless you want to see ’ol Betsy here make a 10-pound leghorn …

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Tick Scientists Confirm 2017 Summer Will Be Best On Record

WASHINGTON—Citing numerous encouraging projections from their research, the nation’s tick scientists confirmed Friday that the summer of 2017 would be the best on record. “All 900 species of tick, regardless of whether they’re hard or soft, should plan on enjoying the best summer of their lives thanks to the historically high heat and humidity levels we’re seeing in our calculations,” said the head tick scientist, a standard eight-legged American dog tick, explaining how the excellent season they’re expecting will provide optimal conditions in forest systems worldwide for the hematophagic parasites to lay eggs, metamorphosize, and hide amongst vegetation while waiting to climb onto passing hosts. “Above all others, this year presents ample opportunity for us to bite and possibly transmit diseases to thousands of different birds, humans, and species of livestock. It’s not beyond the realm of possibility that we will gorge on a …

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