How to F***ing Shine on the Wards: A Med Student Guide to Getting Honors

We all want that coveted “H.” Here’s how to be a star on the wards: 1. On the first day of rotation, don’t forget the massage oil. Your attending is going to sit down at some point, and she is going to expect a sensual foot massage. You don’t necessarily need to bring music, but […]

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JCAHO Changes Recommendation After Evidence Found to Support Recommendation

Oakbrook Terrace, IL – During a recent Joint Commission Board meeting, it was discovered that the recommendation that Physician white coats be laundered daily actually may reduce nosocomial infections by as much as 0.002%. “This was a devastating discovery,” said Florence Dayengale RN, BSN, BLS, ACLS, PALS, OPP, GED, Vice President of JCAHO. “We immediately […]

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Med Student Wins Trophy for “Best Suture Scissor-Cutting Technique”

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Anna Sturgeon is this year’s recipient of the prestigious award for “Best Suture Scissor-Cutting Technique.”  She narrowly beat another top promising candidate on the merit of holding her scissor 89 degrees perpendicular to the suture, as opposed to her contender’s shaking 78 degrees. Sturgeon, understandably overwhelmed, took the time away from […]

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Starbucks’ Unicorn Frappuccino is a Colorful & Fun Way to Get Diabetes

SEATTLE, WA – Starbucks’ new limited-edition Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino, available only from April 19 to April 23, is a fun, colorful, and magical way to give a brand new demographic of coffee drinkers – children and teenagers – something they have always wanted: diabetes. “As you sip, it changes not just color and flavor, but […]

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AMSA, ISIS Agree to New Global Health Initiative

Baghdad, IRAQ – After years of intense negotiations, the American Medical Student Association (AMSA) and Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) have reached a landmark agreement on a new global health initiative. The purpose of the initiative is to provide keen American medical students interested in global health with exciting learning opportunities in oppressed, […]

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