Call Room Bears Striking Resemblance to Medieval Dungeon

DALLAS, TX – Third-year surgical resident Stacy Collins was shocked when she opened the door to her call room and found its striking resemblance to a medieval dungeon nothing short of uncanny. “I can’t say that I’ve ever been in a medieval dungeon but I imagine this is what it would look like and not […]

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New Weight Loss Surgery to Bypass Stomach, Mouth Completely

BALTIMORE, MD – Calling the new procedure a “miracle in bariatric surgery,” physicians at John’s Hopkins University spoke at a press conference last Saturday regarding a newly-developed surgical technique for weight loss that bypasses the entire gastrointestinal tract, including the mouth. “The results we’ve been seeing with this new surgical technique are unprecedented,” said Dr. […]

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Adorable Unvaccinated Pertussis-Infected Baby Sues Her Parents

SANTA MONICA, CA – After contracting pertussis, darling 6-month-old baby girl Willow Woods successfully sued her parents for medical neglect, failure to provide infant with proper care, vaccine skepticism based on conspiracy theories, and just overall stupidity. Pertussis, or whooping cough, is a highly-contagious respiratory infection, and affected infants may have life-threatening symptoms including apneic […]

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Report: Ability to Wear Scrubs to Work is Only Thing Keeping Health Care Professionals from Quitting

CHICAGO, IL – According to a recent poll of nearly 20,000 health care professionals jointly conducted by the American Academy of Physician Assistants (AAPA), American Medical Association (AMA) and the American Nurses Association (ANA), 99.8% of health care professionals say their ability to wear scrubs, also known as work pajamas, is the one thing keeping them from quitting their […]

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Intake Nurse Report: Ex-FBI Director Jim Comey is Really Freakishly Tall

WASHINGTON, DC – According to numerous nursing sources who have taken his vital signs and other intake information, recently-fired FBI Director James “Jim” Comey’s height can be best classified by the terms “absolutely freakish” and “tremendously gigantic,” and is estimated to be on the order of 554 feet and 7 11⁄32 inches, which puts him about […]

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Ophthalmologists Report Hindsight More Like 20/80

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Top ophthalmologists announced this week that hindsight, long thought to be 20/20, is actually much closer to 20/80.  “This is a surprise to all of us,” announced David Parke, President and CEO of the American Academy of Ophthalmology.  “Our study found that hindsight is not as good as everybody thinks it […]

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