Call Room Bears Striking Resemblance to Medieval Dungeon

DALLAS, TX – Third-year surgical resident Stacy Collins was shocked when she opened the door to her call room and found its striking resemblance to a medieval dungeon nothing short of uncanny. “I can’t say that I’ve ever been in a medieval dungeon but I imagine this is what it would look like and not […]

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New Weight Loss Surgery to Bypass Stomach, Mouth Completely

BALTIMORE, MD – Calling the new procedure a “miracle in bariatric surgery,” physicians at John’s Hopkins University spoke at a press conference last Saturday regarding a newly-developed surgical technique for weight loss that bypasses the entire gastrointestinal tract, including the mouth. “The results we’ve been seeing with this new surgical technique are unprecedented,” said Dr. […]

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Adorable Unvaccinated Pertussis-Infected Baby Sues Her Parents

SANTA MONICA, CA – After contracting pertussis, darling 6-month-old baby girl Willow Woods successfully sued her parents for medical neglect, failure to provide infant with proper care, vaccine skepticism based on conspiracy theories, and just overall stupidity. Pertussis, or whooping cough, is a highly-contagious respiratory infection, and affected infants may have life-threatening symptoms including apneic […]

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Report: Ability to Wear Scrubs to Work is Only Thing Keeping Health Care Professionals from Quitting

CHICAGO, IL – According to a recent poll of nearly 20,000 health care professionals jointly conducted by the American Academy of Physician Assistants (AAPA), American Medical Association (AMA) and the American Nurses Association (ANA), 99.8% of health care professionals say their ability to wear scrubs, also known as work pajamas, is the one thing keeping them from quitting their […]

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Report: Morbid Curiosity Now Accounts For 79% Of Nation’s Snack Food Purchases

ST. PAUL, MN—Identifying a clear preference for novelty above all other qualities, a report from the University of Minnesota released Friday found that morbid curiosity now accounts for 79 percent of the nation’s snack food purchases. “Whether they’re trying to figure out if a jelly bean really tastes like popcorn or what the deal is with those puffy shrimp chips that apparently are really popular in Asia, we’ve concluded that consumers buy snacks three-quarters of the time purely from an intense desire to determine whether a product corresponds with its purported flavor,” said the report’s author, Carol Souza, adding that almost 20 percent of those purchases alone were prompted by a keen interest in how biscuits-and-gravy was reduced to a potato chip coating. “Many people didn’t even seem to care whether or not the wasabi chocolate or seven-layer-dip Combos were good, only that they …

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