‘Game of Thrones’ Scorecard: Season 7, Episode 4, ‘The Spoils of War’

(honking a bike horn) DRAGONS! DRAGONS BURNING PEOPLE ALIVE EVERYWHERE! COME CHECK OUT THE FLAMES AND ASHES!

This Game of Thrones discussion is written by someone who has read George R.R. Martin’s books (as well as the occasional fan theory on message boards), but the column will usually only discuss events that have happened on HBO’s televised version. Please respect these boundaries should you choose to participate in the comments section.

Episode 7.04: ‘The Spoils of War’

FINAL SCORE: Violence 85, Sex 0

(Scoring is typically one point per killing or instance of nudity, though the reviewer reserves the right to award bonus points for style. This is SUPER not Sex’s season.)

Violence

responding to the commenters

Aside from a wildly fun and ultimately harmless sparring session between Brienne and Arya, the entirety of this episode’s violence came during an epic 11-minute battle between the Lannister army and a Dothraki horde supported by Daenerys riding a fire-breathing dragon, resulting in 35 deaths by human hand (or horse), plus an additional 50 deaths by dragonfire (more on this in the Notes section). I also awarded awarded five bonus points: one per instance of violence to a horse, and one for Brienne & Arya’s swashbuckling.

Totals: (deep inhale) 6 Lannisters trampled by horses; 2 Dothrakis speared; 7 Lannister throat geysers; 4 men killed by arrows; 4 men killed by Jaime and Bronn each; 7 additional killings by sword or arakh (that’s the Dothraki scythe-like weapon); one Dothraki impaled by giant crossbow (1 Bronn’s 4 kills); 1 guy run over by a horse while he was on fire. BONUS VIOLENCE TO HORSES: 1 horse stabbed, 1 horse’s leg scythed off, 2 horses charred by Drogon’s spicy breath.

Some of those that wear corsets, are the same that burn horses

Notes: Yes, the 50 deaths by burning seems low. If you’re new to this column, I only count specific, obvious deaths. So while the Lannister army’s supply/gold trains surely resulted in the deaths of anyone inside those wagons, I didn’t have any bodies to count. Even in tight shots, the soldiers whose deaths I wanted to count were often so consumed by flames that there wasn’t much else onscreen. So, it’s 50 because that’s what I could count, with some limited guesswork. It is a round number purely by chance. (For readers who have to endure this caveat every week, I apologize. It’s worth it for me to not argue with drive-by geeks.)

Sex

an employee reports her workplace romance to the CEO

Totals: [NULL SET]

Notes: Um, Davos said that Jon Snow was looking at Dany’s “heart,” wink wink. Which is a fun bit of innuendo the same way Luke and Leia kissing in Star Wars is sexy. But since we don’t have any OTHER sex to talk about, we may as well cover the bases for any Jon + Dany ‘shippers out there:

  1. Because Jon’s real father is Rhaegar Targaryen (ALLEGEDLY), Daenerys is Jon’s aunt.
  2. Obviously, Jon and Dany don’t know they’re related.
  3. Even if they did, it wouldn’t be a deal-breaker for Dany, as the Targaryens were into incest before Jaime and Cersei made it cool.

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: incest is not cool.

THIS SCORECARD WILL BE UPDATED MONDAY MORNING WITH ADDITIONAL IMAGES, ANALYSIS, AND A DISCUSSION OF MODERN COMBINED-ARMS PRINCIPLES AT WORK ON THE BATTLEFIELDS OF WESTEROS.

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Game Of Thrones: The Biggest Moments From Season 7, Episode 4 [SPOILERS]

Last week on Game of Thrones, Olenna Tyrell rocked Jaime’s world during the closing moments of the episode, which we discuss in further detail here. This week, the closing moments stole the spotlight for the entire episode. “The Spoils of War” ended with a scene that hit the entire emotional spectrum, so let’s break down what happened.

Warning: Spoilers are coming.

No Caption Provided

While this week’s episode was the shortest of the season, thus far, it ended on a spectacular note featuring a battle that’s nearly as memorable as “The Battle of the Bastards” from Season 6. The moment we’ve all been waiting for finally happened: Daenerys Targaryen rode a dragon into battle and had it take down an army.

More specifically, Daenerys left Dragonstone with the Dothraki to destroy the Lannister army. In addition, Jaime Lannister, Bronn, and Dickon Tarly were in attendance to witness the Queen’s army decimated. The Dothraki riders charged into battle, and while Jaime’s men readied themselves, Daenerys swoops above them atop of Drogon, breathing fire on the Lannister military. In addition, the beast blows up supplies and spoils, completely annihilating everything in its path.

However, we learn the true queen’s dragons aren’t impervious to all attacks. Bronn uses a giant, mounted crossbow to hit Drogon once before the weapon is set aflame. The gigantic bolt doesn’t kill it though. It lands, and the Mother of Dragons gets off to try and help her child. From afar, Jaime Lannister sees this and thinks this is his opportunity to end Daenerys. He charges into battle, but before he can make it to her, Drogon spots her, turns and breathes fire at him. Luckily, before Jaime is burned alive, Bronn tackles him off the horse and into the water. The closing shots are of Jaime, wearing his more-than-likely heavy armor, floating to the bottom of the lake.

While the episode was incredibly short, it delivered one of the best battles in the television series. This shortened-season is very quickly delivering on multiple moments fans have been dying to see, like dragons laying waste to an army. All hope is not lost for the Lannisters, however. The crossbow proved to be effective against the dragons, when arrows just bounce off of it. The only problem is that we don’t know if that information will get relayed to Cersei, since it is possible everyone but Jaime and Bronn were killed in battle. Which leads us to the final question for this week’s episode, “Who is going to save Jaime?” The chances of him dying after this battle are slim-to-none. He’s a survivor.

Here are some other big moments from “The Spoils of War:”

  • Arya is reunited with Sansa and Bran at Winterfell.
  • Littlefinger gives Bran the dagger made of valyrian steel that was used to try and kill him. Later, Bran gives the dagger to Arya.
  • Arya bests Brienne of Tarth in a sword fight at Winterfell.
  • Jon Snow shows Daenerys the dragon glass under Dragonstone. In addition, they also find drawings of the First Men and the Children of the Forest teaming up to battle the White Walkers, lending some credibility to Jon’s story. Daenerys says she’ll help Jon in the north, as long as he “bends the knee.”
  • Theon Greyjoy shows up at Dragonstone, and Jon is not pleased to see him. However, Theon will live.
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